and i hear the player skip and crackle,  a harsh bassline followed by an echoing existence bellows out and fills my room. what is love after death my youth is wasted from nights like this.  I touch my face but it doesn’t feel norm and the texture of my hair is alien. As my skin scrapes underneath my bedsheets it calls for another night, alone. The cat is snoring and the wind is whistling so i pull the covers off once again and position my legs dangling out of the window this time edging my body closer and closer outside until i am barely on the ledge. I wish this scared me. Now the wind is touching every part of my body like you once did and the cold air freezes the motion of my muscles and although i should move my body no longer responds in unison with my brain. 

I should sleep i tell myself so i slide back into bed but i’ve already been forgotton, fists clenched, eyes screwed i concentrate on disappearing. I do this for a good 10 minutes until i realise i am still awake. The record reaches the end and i want to get up and turn it over but i can’t put enough energy in doing so. white noise. white noise. white noise. I concentrate again, on sleeping this time but i can’t i never can. I read into the meaning of songs i could never write and i never won the handwriting competitions. I wonder what it feels like to be someone else, someone better.

you spoke in only words foreign to my ears and lip to lip you expressed yourself in ancient tongue. You are unlike anyone i have ever met but i only remember you as shadow of your existence. An over exposed negative, a memory faded and only relived taunted by dreams of lust. You are deceiving but i don’t doubt you and to everyone else i give the impression of old friends but you were always more that. Your face carefully sculptured and your mind something of general significance, you were brilliant, yes. 107 miles apart, a world away in the eyes that once looked at me with disgust. Pupils locked i saw the person i wanted to be or more respectively, be with. Doomed from the start a nuclear bomb without a purpose, you never said no and it never felt right. The revolver full, you shot me down and hung me up. That is all i ever was and ever will be, a trashy trophy you never cared to hang but would always polish in times of lonesomeness.  Slowly your face cracks before my eyes, there were never any tears with you, only subtle goodbyes. Disheartened kisses, blank smiles. You still remain a mystery and this was before you told me the very reason for the anxieties  you suffer. You toke, you inject, you consume, i read, i learn, i do. You are paralysed into a life of limbo, frozen from the fluttering future are destined for. Undressing you was the closest i could get the warmth of your body sliding into the bedsheets that held you at night when i couldn’t. To you that was close but for me you were never close enough.

her arms gripped onto my waist, letting go would only mean giving up. i responded expressionless because i knew. i always knew what was going to be said, the colours fade and turn to black my hair ignites and i wake up on the floor again cold, motionless, unintoxicated. the crackling starts again, reaking under my skin and drawing me further into the floorboards further into the dark, i reach out but fail to even catch the air above me. My body limp and my bones protruding you always told me how i reminded you of a painting but never a masterpiece. your leathered fingers walking slowly up the steps of my spine as you did so documenting misery with each step. you only ever wrote the beginning because you never believed in the end.

have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror for so long that you begin to forget yourself and wonder who you are. If the person in the mirror is indeed you, or some strange phenomenon or trick in the brain. Your eyes don’t look quite right and you stare at yourself unnaturally. You speak then are startled by the sound of your own voice. You almost forget yourself. Forget everyone. You look at the person in the mirror, wish them a good day then leave.